How Parents Can Talk to Their Kids About Consent & Why They Should Do It Today
by Annie Medina, Intern at Relation-Shift and EdM candidate at Harvard University
They went back to his dorm room after a date. Upon closing the door, they both wordlessly moved towards the bed and started making out. She stopped for a moment, asking, “Do you want to have sex tonight?” He laughed as if it was a silly question and went in to kiss her again. She pulled away again and looked at him intently. “Does that mean yes?” He cocked his head, confused and got quiet. “I’ve never had a girl ask me that before.” He pursed his lips and quietly said, “Yes, I want to. Thank you for asking. Do you?”
Working at Harvard’s Office of Sexual Assault Prevention and Response, I have heard this story many times. Women frequently recount the confusion and then appreciation their male partners express when asked for consent. Often, any conversation about consent is targeted at young men who are deemed responsible for securing it. I reason that all teens, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, need to learn how to ask for consent in order to build trust within their family, friendships, and romantic relationships.
Yes, on average, most victims of sexual assault are women, and most perpetrators are men. But how many times have you heard: ‘men always want to have sex?’ ‘They think about sex every seven seconds!’ ‘How could they not be into it?’ ‘Chances are, they’re probably already picturing you naked!’ Media perpetuates this narrative that men only think with their ‘other’ head, but interviews with real men tell a different story. Journalist Peggy Orenstein, author of Boys & Sex, found that teen boys opened up to her about broken boundaries and unwanted sexual encounters. They struggled with the risk of being called ‘gay’ or an ‘asshole’ for rejecting a woman’s advances. Over time, they gradually had become desensitized to their own boundaries and grew to understand that saying yes to sexual acts is just what men ‘do.’ Societally, we greatly underestimate boys’ ability to engage with issues around physical and emotional intimacy. Our blind acceptance that men are just “systematically disconnected from their hearts,” leaves them with few outlets to talk about their feelings and actually learn how to develop more connected, fulfilling relationships (Hopper 2020).
Many parents struggle to talk about consent because there is a misconception that teaching about consent gives kids ‘permission’ to have sex. This is simply not the case. Consent is important within intimate and personal relationships. If you don’t want your kids to have sex right now or even not until marriage, still talk to them about consent. This is because consent education, at its core, intends to teach kids how to be better communicators. Consent is about learning to ask for permission for something to happen, from a hug to a borrowing a pencil. Consent is also about learning to balance your needs with the needs of others around you. Consent education is empowering. It teaches kids they have the choice to say yes, no, or I don’t know to a request; they just need to communicate. Learning to think deeply about our own and others’ boundaries is necessary for everyone to develop ethical, trusting, and loving relationships.
Harvard Graduate School of Education’s project, Making Caring Common, has developed a comprehensive resource that helps all parents talk to their teens about affirmative consent: how to get it, what it looks like when you have it, and what it looks like when you don’t. It includes model language teens can use in real-time. For example, they suggest that affirmative consent can look like:
“I’d really like to ___ with you. Would you like to?”
“Do you like it when I do this?”
“Is it okay if I take off your shirt/bra/top/boxers/pants…?”
“Before we go any further, do you want to do this?”
Conversely, affirmative consent does not include refusing to stop, ignoring the word “no,” using fear or intimidation to pressure someone into sexual activity, and/or assuming consent because of flirting, kissing, someone’s style of dress, or past consensual intimacy. Notably, consent also cannot be given if you are under the influence or below the legal age of consent.
We need to teach teens that in sexual relationships, consent is not only mandatory, but it also deepens connection in a relationship. So concerned with mitigating our children’s risk, we forget how it felt to be a teenager. It is important to remember how overwhelming it felt to fall in love for the first time and navigate the desire to share intimate experiences with someone you care for. Yes, emphasize waiting to have sex until they are ready and know what to expect, but remember that logic is often subsumed by the waves of emotion and physical desire that come with ‘firsts.’ Pleasure is a big reason we have sex, so we should talk about it openly. Emphasize how special sex can be with someone you love. Talk about how exciting and liberating it can be to share your body with someone and make each other feel good. Teach them that it can be sexy to talk about your partner’s likes, dislikes, turn-ons, and turn-offs so that everyone can comfortably enjoy the experience. Real conversations respect teenager’s real-life experiences, emotions, and agency to make their own decisions, and can encourage them to come to you for advice in the future.
Consent education is for everyone. One in four women and one in thirteen men experience sexual assault in their lifetime. Men and women alike deserve the right to unabashedly say no to sexual experiences. Yes, these conversations can be hard and just plain awkward, but parents have the privilege and responsibility to help their children develop into healthy adults. Healthy sexuality is a key component of adulthood. Trust is the foundation of any relationship, so actively listen to their questions and concerns; give open and honest answers; draw from your own experiences. Model language and ethics to develop self-respecting and respectful relationships.
References:
Hopper, Nate. “She Spent 2 Year Interviewing Young Men About Sex, Consent and Abuse. Here’s Why She’s Optimistic After #MeToo.” Time Magazine, Jan. 2020. https://time.com/5759684/peggy-orenstein-boys-and-sex/
Tatter, Grace. “Consent at Every Age.” Harvard Graduate School of Education, Dec. 2018. https://www.gse.harvard.edu/news/uk/18/12/consent-every-age